Needs vs. Goals vs. Desires

The Question I would like to explore in this article is:

How do we keep Relationships Healthy
in the face of Conflict?

Dr. Larry Crabb provides for us what I believe to be some excellent keys to this question in his book "The Marriage Builder", and we will explore some of his concepts in this article.

In a nutshell maintaining healthy relationships in the face of conflict revolves around keeping the balance between who is responsible for fulfilling Needs, Goals, & Desires.

Let’s begin by defining each of these three terms:

Needs: All that we need to function effectively as persons (not necessarily to feel happy or fulfilled) is at any given moment fully supplied in relationship with Christ and in whatever He chooses to provide.

We pray about and confidently trust God for needs.

Philippians 4:10 (NIV) I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. 15 Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; 16 for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. 17 Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. 18 I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. 19 And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Goals: Objectives that are under my control, and require no assistance from anyone else.

We take responsible action towards the accomplishment of goals.

1 Corinthians 2:2 (NKJV) For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

2 Corinthians 2:1 (NKJV) But I determined this within myself, that I would not come again to you in sorrow.

Desires: Objectives that I may legitimately and fervently want, but cannot reach through my efforts alone.

We pray about our desires, and resist the temptation to manipulate others towards fulfilling them. We must never assume responsibility for fulfilling our desires. Frustration and anger is the result of assuming responsibility for desires.

John 15:7 (NKJV) "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.

John 17:24 (NKJV) "Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.

Rom 10:1 (NKJV) Brethren, my heart's desire and prayer to God for Israel is that they may be saved.

1 Timothy 2:8 (NKJV) I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting;

To make it your goal to change someone’s behavior is an illegitimate goal, but a valid desire.

Too many people pray for their goals ("Lord, make me treat my wife more kindly") and assume responsibility for their desires ("Honey, will you get off my back?").

The principle to remember is, Pray for your desires and assume responsibility for your goals.

To determine if an objective is a Goal or a Desire, ask the following two questions:

1. Exactly what is the objective? What do I want to see accomplished?
   
   
2. Can I by my own efforts, with cooperation from no one, control whether this objective is realized?

If the answer to question 2 is yes, then the objective is a legitimate goal and not a desire. If the answer is no, the objective should not be regarded as a goal, for which you assume responsibility; it is rather a desire, for which you pray.

Into which category should we place the following:

1. I want my husband to understand how I feel.
   
   
2. I wish I could get through to my wife that I do love her. She is so insecure.
   
   
3. I’d come back to my husband if he were more loving.
   
   
4. I really want to feel more sexually attracted to my husband. I just don’t feel any desire for sex.
   
   
5. I need to make more money this year so I can better provide for my family.
   
   
6. I want God to use my wife and me to reach at least one of our neighbors with the gospel this year.

They are all desires, not goals.

Let’s convert them from desires to goals:

1. I will write my husband a letter telling him how I feel. I hope he understands (desires), but my objective is to express myself as clearly as I can (goal).
   
   
2. My wife is so insecure. Although I can’t be sure that she will feel loved (desire), I will list five things I can do this week that I believe would reflect my love for her, and then I will do them (goal).
   
   
3. I’m scared to death to come back to my husband. If he doesn’t change, I’m not sure I could take it (desire). But because I believe God commands me to be willing to live as his wife, I will choose to return and to be the best wife I can be (goal).
   
   
4. I would love to feel more sexual toward my husband (desire), but since I cannot directly control whether I feel sexual or not, I will search my heart to see if I am holding any grudge toward my husband, I will look for ways to be kind to him, and I will gradually approach him with increasing degrees of affection (goal).
   
   
5. With inflation, braces, and private schools, my family could really use extra money (desire). I will send out resumes to several companies. I will volunteer to work overtime, schedule an appointment with a financial counselor, and spend ten minutes a day in prayer concerning our finances (goal).
   
   
6. I would love to have an effective soul-winning ministry in our neighborhood (desire). Therefore I will enroll in our church’s evangelism training program and will make it a point to introduce myself to at least one neighbor I do not know (goal).

As we learn to maintain clear distinctions in each of these three critical relational elements we will enjoy an ever increasing strength of relationship.  Of course these principles are not limited just to marriage.  They affect all relationships, but none more than the marriage relationship.

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